Running towards 30 is its own punishment. You start getting that uncle vibe from your self even if you don’t look or feel uncly. You kindly of feel scared conversing with women constantly wondering whether the particular subject of your conversation switches its pendulum into a chinese whisper of misinterpretation, bringing your constellation at unscathed odds
Funny thing about this number is that there seems to have been a mushroom growth of insanity within you. It certainly helps to satiate the ogler inside with the obvious realization that you don’t have much to offer to anyone except pretending to give a tinker’s damn for the sake of it!
Also peculiar to running 30 is the feeling of having wasted away your life. Perhaps it only afflicts those of us who actually have wasted away their lives but it certainly did not occur even to us life wasters before the digits ticked over. However, and this is just sweet, this rather unsavory epiphany is not accompanied by depression. No, there’s this wierd calmness instead. Its like, Ah well, what’s done is done, lets waste away the rest of it too. I suppose in 30 years one manages to scrounge up enough emotional strength to understand what’s what and not lose sleep over it and you know, that in itself is an accomplishment.
My mind is a fortress of numbness, that’s for damn sure. I’ve talked myself out of damning spiritual demons, that drove me full on hallucination and numbed filled hysteria on occasion, I’ve managed to survive an overdose of child to family torture/sarcasm/taunts by not allowing myself to fall asleep or throw up and for those of you with the rolling eyes, I’d like to see you experience it and come out unscathed. In more conventional terms also i’ve managed to put the mind to good use and one of the traits i have acquired is humility, ”Mitti Payo” Its a pretty new dime for me so i’m still sorta struggling with it but i’m hopeful it will work out.
Oh and i have concluded that religion is in fact totally redundant and kinda fake tassali on the principle of ‘Sabar and Shukar’ when you try to understand it. And its because of the simple reason that the story was written for the people from way back when they rode camels to work, we simply cannot ‘get it’ like they ‘got it’. Its just like the current crop of movie watchers yawn when the see the old Devdas with Dilip Kumar and his over-emotional squealing but they sit on the edge of their seats when they Watch DevD, which is essentially the same story but only more relevant to the current times.
Therefore, i can understand how the people from way back when, when told the whole creation of man and showdown with angels story, believed it despite the enormous dichotomous holes in the story which would make a present day homo-erectus’s head spin with the sheer absurdity of it. Back in the day people just did not infer much, they apparently took stuff at face value, whereas nowadays we tend to take a fact and turn it every which way just to see if it has any leaks in it, and once we do that to the story of religion, there’s a freaking flood of impossibilities that pours out. The Angels though unable to do anything other than praise the lord managed to get offended by the imposition of a supposedly lesser being, one in fact, was so chagrined that he managed to rebel against God to the extent that he became his opposite equal. Thats pretty cool, i’ll admit, but it’s also kinda strange considering how God is supposed to be all powerful and therefore, theoretically could have nipped the whole evil thing in the bud. But he didn’t because he wanted to test mankind by telling them whats right and allowing them to choose but at the same time telling them that those amongst us who fail to follow the path of righteousness have been made blind and dumb by God himself and hence CANNOT be righteous and even so, they will be condemned to an eternity of torment the likes of which we cannot imagine, just cuz God in his infinite wisdom effectively chose some of us to suffer. Even as i write it i fail to understand it which is why i have for the second time in my life picked up the Quran to try and decipher it for what it really is and not take it as the super-potent relic that it is purported to be. Here’s to hoping i ‘get it’ this time around. I’ve gone through the first Sipara and have found this Marmaduke Pickthall translation to be very different from the one of Bukhari i had earlier studied to the effect that where in the Bukhari version the scripture seems to be focused on Jew bashing, this is one is more… civilized, addressing the Jews and reminding them of thier history and basically portraying god as a slightly vain and insecure diety who is pissed off at being forgotten. For what its worth, this one makes a little more sense and hopefully by the end of it, so will I.
In summation, I’m running 30 and probably evolving a Cancer (as per my docs) so i have found that I wasn’t allowed to grow up at all. I have found that i’m naturally adaptive to change and that is possibly the only thing i dislike most about myself because it is also the only thing that is the cause of most of my miseries and failures because there is no room for rigidity in the world unless you are a God or have dominion over Heaven in Constitutions and hell and everything in between, even if its only hypothetical.